Do You Have to Love People Who Treat You Badly?

By Pastor John Erickson

There are passages of Scripture I enjoy studying.

And then there are passages where I start studying and think, I was hoping it wouldn't say that.

Romans 12:14-21 is one of those passages.

Paul doesn't merely tell us to be nice to people who are nice to us. He tells us to bless those who persecute us. To rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn, live at peace when possible, and overcome evil with good.

That's a lot.

And when you actually stop to think about what it means, it gets uncomfortable pretty quickly.

Because we all have people who are difficult to love.

My children once came home from picking cherries at a friend's house with an ambitious plan for our backyard. As we ate cherries outside, they scattered the pits around, imagining all the trees we would have. They were even concerned about pits landing in the fire. We would not want a cherry tree growing in the fireplace.

The enthusiasm was impressive. The growing conditions were less promising. Our yard backs up to pine trees and has so much shade that even grass has struggled.

It reminded me that wanting fruit and making room for it are different things. The same question follows me into Romans 12. I may want the fruit of the Spirit, but am I willing to let God work on the attitudes that keep love from growing?

Bless Means More Than Keeping Your Mouth Shut

Paul says in Romans 12:14, "Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse."

The Greek word translated bless has the sense of speaking well of someone. It's related to the word from which we get eulogy, the kind of good words people share at a funeral.

Now, think about that.

Paul's standard isn't just "Don't punch them." It's not even "Don't say anything nasty when they walk into the room."

He asks us to bless them.

To speak in a way shaped by the good we desire for them, rather than the harm we wish would come to them.

That doesn't mean pretending harmful behavior is good or saying flattering things we don't believe. And it doesn't require putting yourself in danger or removing necessary boundaries.

But it does mean we can't be content to maintain a polite face while privately hoping somebody else's life falls apart.

I don't know about you, but that is much more challenging than I expected.

Begin by Paying Attention to Your Words

We sometimes talk about people as though they are characters in an argument rather than human beings made in the image of God.

A coworker frustrates us, so we tell the story in a way that makes them sound ridiculous. A neighbor irritates us, and suddenly every conversation is about what's wrong with them.

And sometimes we're completely justified in being upset about what happened.

But being wronged doesn't give us permission to become cruel.

One practical place to begin is by asking: how am I speaking about the person I'm angry with when they're not in the room?

Am I telling the truth? Am I exaggerating? Am I using their failure to make myself look better?

Gina once put the question this way: are we calling forth the good in someone? That has stayed with me. It is harder than merely avoiding a cruel remark. It asks whether my words leave room for the possibility that God is still at work in the person who frustrates me.

Blessing may begin with refusing to reduce them to their worst moment.

Join in Other People's Joy and Pain

Paul goes on to tell us to rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn.

For people we love, that can come naturally. Your friend gets great news, and you're genuinely thrilled. Someone you care about is grieving, and you sit with them.

But what about the person you don't like?

Can you be glad when something good happens to them? Can you show compassion when they suffer, without secretly thinking, Well, they had that coming?

That's where Christian love begins to move past our natural preferences.

We're not being asked to approve of every choice a person makes. We are being asked to remember that their humanity doesn't disappear because we're angry with them.

Jesus moved toward people others preferred to avoid. That should shape us, too.

As Far as It Depends on You

One of the most realistic verses in the whole passage is Romans 12:18: "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."

I love those qualifications.

If it is possible.

As far as it depends on you.

Paul isn't pretending every relationship can be repaired simply because one person wants it repaired. Reconciliation may require repentance, safety, honesty, and willingness from both sides.

We cannot control another person's response.

But we can take responsibility for our own.

And here's where I catch myself. I'm very quick to come up with reasons why this verse shouldn't apply to a particular person in my life.

I know what it says, yeah, but...

Yeah, but you don't know what they did. Yeah, but they've always been like this. Yeah, but I tried once and it didn't work.

Some of those concerns may be valid. Boundaries matter. But before I decide I'm an exception, I need to ask what genuinely depends on me.

Can I stop escalating the conflict? Can I speak truthfully without contempt? Can I own my own mistakes? Can I seek wise help?

Don't Let Evil Teach You How to Behave

Paul ends with one of the strongest commands in the chapter: do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good (Romans 12:21).

I think that's the heart of the whole passage.

When somebody hurts us, the temptation is to let their behavior set the standard for ours. They were dishonest, so we feel entitled to be dishonest. They were unkind, so we become unkind.

But then their wrongdoing has shaped the kind of person we're becoming.

Jesus calls us into another way of living.

Not a passive way that ignores injustice. Not a naive way that trusts people who have shown themselves unsafe. But a Spirit-formed way of refusing to let hatred determine our response.

That's hard work. Sometimes it takes a very long time, a lot of prayer, and wise support.

But imagine what would happen if we spent less energy trying to prove our enemies wrong and more energy asking God to make us people who can respond with courage, truth, and love.

We may not be able to change the other person.

But we don't have to let them determine who we become.