Does Forgiveness Mean Pretending It Didn't Hurt?

Matthew 18 and mercy that makes room for truth

By Pastor John Erickson

There's a word Christians use a lot that is much easier to talk about than to practice.

Forgiveness.

We know we're supposed to do it. We hear Jesus talk about it. We even pray about it when we recite the prayer he taught his disciples: forgive us as we forgive others.

But what do we do when the hurt is real?

What if somebody betrayed us? What if the person who hurt us hasn't apologized? What if we're worried that forgiving them means allowing it to happen again?

Those questions matter. And I think we need to look closely at what Jesus actually teaches rather than settling for a quick, cheerful answer.

Jesus Doesn't Ignore the Hurt

In Matthew 18, Jesus teaches his disciples what to do when someone sins against them. He talks about addressing the wrong, seeking accountability, and bringing others into the process when necessary.

Then Peter asks how many times he should forgive someone who sins against him. Would seven times be enough?

Jesus responds with a number that makes Peter's suggestion seem tiny by comparison. The point isn't that we should keep a calculator and stop forgiving when we reach the limit. Jesus is pressing Peter toward a completely different posture.

But notice the order of the conversation.

Jesus has already talked about taking wrongdoing seriously. Forgiveness isn't pretending nothing happened. It doesn't eliminate the need for truth, accountability, or wise boundaries.

That distinction is important, especially when someone's safety is at stake.

The Servant Who Wanted More Time

Jesus follows with a story about a servant who owes a king an impossible amount of money.

The servant can't repay it. That's part of the point. He begs for patience and promises to pay everything back.

I love that detail because it reveals something about how we think. The servant is still imagining the solution is more time and more effort.

Just give me another chance. I'll work harder. I'll fix it.

But the king does something the servant didn't even ask for. He cancels the debt.

It's an extraordinary act of mercy.

And then the story takes a dark turn.

The same servant finds another man who owes him a much smaller amount. Instead of extending the mercy he just received, he demands repayment and has the man thrown into prison.

Jesus wants us to feel the contradiction.

Someone who has received life-changing mercy refuses to show mercy to another person.

We Can Be Forgiven and Still Want to Keep Score

I think we understand that servant better than we'd like to admit.

I know I have wounded people. That is uncomfortable to acknowledge when I would rather focus on what someone has done to me. Sometimes pain gets passed back and forth. Other times someone is wounded by a person they trusted, without having done anything to deserve it.

None of that is made smaller by calling us to forgive. It reminds me why we need mercy that actually changes the cycle.

When we make mistakes, we hope people will see the whole story. We want them to understand what we intended, how difficult the circumstances were, and why we deserve another chance.

When someone else hurts us, we often want a much simpler calculation. They did something wrong. They should pay.

Now, wrong things really are wrong. Jesus is not asking us to pretend otherwise.

But his story exposes a question beneath our desire for fairness: Has the mercy we've received begun to shape the mercy we extend?

Forgiveness isn't a way of claiming our pain doesn't matter. It's a way of refusing to let revenge define what happens next.

Forgiveness and Reconciliation Aren't Identical

Here's something we need to say clearly: forgiveness is not the same thing as immediate reconciliation.

A relationship may need confession, accountability, changed behavior, and time before trust can be rebuilt. In some situations, restoring a relationship may not be safe or possible.

Forgiveness does not require someone to stay in an abusive situation, ignore harm, or give a person unrestricted access to hurt them again.

Jesus' teaching about confronting wrongdoing shows that love can include taking wrong behavior very seriously.

And compassion does not mean pretending that consequences are unfair.

These truths belong together.

We can release our grip on revenge while still establishing boundaries. We can pray for someone's good without pretending they have become trustworthy.

Compassion Is a Different Response

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus tells his followers to love their enemies and pray for those who persecute them.

That is not a normal instinct. My natural response when somebody wounds me is not, "I wonder how I can bless this person today."

Usually I want to defend myself, rehearse the story in my head, and make sure everyone understands how wrong the other person was.

Jesus invites us into another way.

Not because the wrong is small. Not because justice doesn't matter. But because the compassion we have received from God begins to change the kind of people we are.

This can be a long process. Some wounds require professional support, wise friends, and time to heal. Jesus doesn't give us a stopwatch for that work.

Start by Being Honest with God

If you're having a hard time forgiving someone, I don't think the answer is to make yourself say words you don't mean.

Tell God what happened. Tell him what you're angry about. Acknowledge the damage. Ask for help where you need it.

Then begin asking what mercy might look like in this particular situation, without abandoning wisdom or safety.

Perhaps it means letting go of an imagined opportunity to get even. Perhaps it means praying for someone from a distance. Perhaps it means pursuing accountability rather than silently carrying resentment.

Forgiveness is not a denial of the wound.

It's allowing the mercy of Jesus to change what the wound gets to do to our hearts.

And for some of us, that's a journey we take one honest prayer at a time.